my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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