I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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