Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
