sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
