My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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