I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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