I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
