only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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