My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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