$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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