Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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