His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
