i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
