what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
