I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
