We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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