Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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