Who wears a wallet chain?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
