THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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