he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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