Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
