All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
