my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
