I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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