i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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