We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
