So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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