just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
