Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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