i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
