New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
