I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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