i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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