If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
