I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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