The maid of honor just puked.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
