Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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