just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
