I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
