not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
