I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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