Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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