turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize