you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
