Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
