I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
