sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
