my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
