Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
