i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
