dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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