I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
