The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
