just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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