It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
