Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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