I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
